When I was 15, I had a crush on a boy named Brian from the other ward that shared our building. His sister told me liked me, and he asked me to meet him (along with a bunch of kids from the other ward) at Rick’s Place, a dance club in nearby Lancaster. Before I met up with him, someone in their ward pulled me aside to tell me that Brian’s family was less active, and they only came to church once or twice a month because his dad wasn’t a member. My 15 year old brain tried to figure out what I was supposed to do with that information. Did it mean I shouldn’t break his heart because their whole family would quit coming to church and it might be my fault, that I had to “throw him one” for the Lord? Or did it mean that I shouldn’t get serious with him because he wasn’t on the “temple track”?
I’m honestly still not sure what the person intended for me to do, but in our missionary and temple minded church, those seem to be the two alternatives to dating or befriending someone who is on the fringe of the fold. Either way, it didn’t matter. This boy liked me for about three weeks before moving on to Stacy, the stake patriarch’s granddaughter. By then I liked someone else anyway.
In church, we are told to go in search of the lost sheep.
12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?
13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
But let’s be honest; some people in the church totally suck at it. Frankly, the sheep are better off not being found by these folks. Run, sheep, run!
I have read lots of stories on the internet about people who were “love bombed” (a term I never heard growing up), “heart attacked” (another term I didn’t know, but usually done by the YW who give cut out hearts to a girl who is less active to make her feel loved, but also pointing out her “otherness” in the process), badgered or interrogated, stalked, testified to, called to repentance, condescended to, or lectured by well-intentioned members who want to do their duty toward the lost sheep, but who also are on their own righteousness track and can’t truly understand why the lost sheep don’t adore the sense of belonging and warmth the flock gives them. But they feel a need to “check the box” on their outreach efforts. Unfortunately, these efforts often backfire. Here are a few stories:
Someone I know told my friend that she had no light in her eyes.
Lots of people tried to put my mom back on the straight and narrow after she stopped going. One lady was like, “You can just tell you’re hurting. Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve.”
I was compared to Korihor. But they apologized later.
Not all who wander are lost. I roll my eyes at any implication that I’m “struggling.” Going to church was a struggle for me. Not going has been freeing, and I’m much happier and less conflicted now. One thing I really hate is being talked to in a saccharine Primary Voice.
My aunt called me (uninvited) under the pretense of hearing some of my feminist concerns, and then told me why my feminist concerns were contrary to the True Way of Things. Her manner suggested that she expected my concerns to be resolved by her explaining how things “really” are.
My brother was repeatedly harassed after repeated do-not-contact requests. He was traumatized by anti-gay bullying as he grew up in the church, and the persistent, “loving” outreach of the home teachers and missionaries during what was supposed to be his “it gets better” time was the opposite of helpful.
When I was a youth, I assumed all inactivity was the result of personal tragedy, and I was trying to make lives better by participating in “love bombing” activities.
I had a woman visit me after about a year of being inactive. I listened to her message, but then I told her that my reasons for not coming back to church were personal. . . She was so forceful and badgering. When I reluctantly told her what my reasons were, she basically told me that they were wrong and backed it up with scriptures/GA quotes. All of this in my own house! I felt terrible for the rest of the night, and definitely didn’t come back to church or allow anyone to visit me for a while after that.
I told one of my VT that I was going to take a break from attending LDS services. . . My HT emailed me to let me know the RS Pres had informed him that I was taking a break from church and that I was OK with having VT and he was wondering if I was still OK with contact from him. I do appreciate that he asked if I was OK with him contacting me, but I hate the whole talking about me in leadership meetings. This has been a ward that has been cold and indifferent toward me.
What are the common mistakes here?
- Listening superficially or not at all.
- Caring more about being right than about the person.
- Assuming you understand the other person’s reasons or that all people have the same reason.
- Making the person feel like a special project, an outsider, or the subject of gossip.
- Not respecting an individual’s wishes not to be contacted.
- Being condescending or insulting.
As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Let’s see what you think.
- Have you ever been the recipient of this kind of approach? How did it go?
- Did you ever attempt to “help” someone in the church, and it backfired? Do you know why?
- Do you think it’s hard to have authentic friendships in the church when missionary motives are at play? Why or why not?
Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
Yes, I have attempted to “help.” When I was Elders Quorum President, a member of my quorum ended up in the hospital for some major surgery. This was a less-active individual that I had met maybe one time (on one of those nights that we did visits) but otherwise didn’t know. I felt obligated to call him to see how he was doing and see if he needed help but felt foolish doing it as I had no relationship with him and wasn’t sure he’d know who I was. Finally, pushed on by duty, I called. His response to me was barely polite and very cold and indifferent. In retrospect, I don’t blame him at all. After all, who the heck was I anyway? How can I approach someone with whom I’ve never invested any time and effort to get to know? Especially when my concern is out of “duty” and not really out of concern.
When I was ten, a counselor in the Primary presidency reached out to get me and my sister, children of an inactive mother, to come to Primary. My mother returned to church activity, and my sister and I were baptized a couple years later. I am grateful for Sister Anderson ministering to us.
A couple boys from my deacons’ quorum were inactive by around age 15. When they were about 24, Bro. Prince was serving as a stake missionary and used the calling as a good excuse to explicitly call them back into activity. They were ready to take him up on that and have been faithful participants in the work of the Church since. A quorum that doesn’t have at least a few such reactivated elders is missing something.
John Mansfield – great stories! Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it works well. Why do you think it worked in these cases and doesn’t otherwise?
Their visit is often much more about them than about the less active member. I think empathetically relating to a less active member’s frame of reference in an authentic way threatens many members with weak unexamined belief systems. In many ways the less active member is ahead of them in personal growth because they have begun to question. More mature people won’t resort to proof texting the scriptures or mindless rote answers which does far more for them than it does for you!
When I was on bed rest during my pregnancy the RS President–who I NEVER talk to–stopped by the house unannounced wanting to know why we weren’t coming to church. It was a major turn off to have this older lady, who’s daughter in law was friends with me, stand on my porch telling me “We miss you!!! You ought to come to church on Sunday so we can see you!” Anyone who knew us, such as her daughter in law, would know I was horrendously sick and did not go anywhere. I dropped out of school and quit my job, why on earth would I go to three hours of service if I couldn’t manage reading a textbook.
Though it is insulting to be told you are gossiped about, it’s even more insulting when people don’t gather basic background information.
I remember when I was in the Youth program the YW did a “heart attack” to this less active lady. So, they went to her place and put all these hearts and they wrote all these things on it them and one of them said “have a happy heart attack” Well, unbeknownst to everyone the lady had had a real heart attack and came home to all this! I don’t think she was terribly put off or anything, just a funny/horrible coincidence!
I have really appreciated my ward. When I left, I told the bishop I did not want to get visits. They had seen the last of me and attempts to reclaim me would do more harm than good. No one has bothered me.
I have a story from both sides of the fence. When I was an older single I attended sacrament meeting but usually left after that. I felt no connection to the mostly younger members of that ward and I was trying to figure out how I fit into a church that was based on marriage and family. I became a project and knew that I was being discussed in ward council and EQ presidency meetings. They were sincere, I didn’t question their motives, but it did nothing to resolve my situation, it only made it worse.
My father grew up in UT but left home at 18. After serving in WWII and graduating from college in CA he was a young father, totally inactive with a non-member wife. Yet he occasionally sent in a fast offering donation. An EQ decided to make him a project. He started coming to church, his children were baptized, his wife was baptized. All of his children and most grandchildren are active, RMs, temple married, contributing members. Where would we all be without that EQ presidency?
The only difference I can discern is that he was at a place in life to be receptive to the attention and I was not.
I think we get thrown by the pictures we’ve seen of Chrust and the 90 and 9, with depictions of the one lost being a tiny lamb, easily tossed over the shoulders and brought back. It kind of reinforces incorrect ideas of how shepherding works.
You’re not going to get a lost sheep back to the flock by picking it up and carrying it back. You’re much more likely to be injured yourself by even trying. You also can’t do it if the sheep doesn’t know you. Shepherding works on trust, not only between the shepherd and sheep, but between the ones who are “lost” and the remining sheep in the fold. If the sheep became “lost” because the fold pushed her away, it’s going to be nigh impossible to convince that sheep to stay with the rest of the fold.
Anyway, good post. I’d not heard of this use of “heart attacks” before – the only one I’ve seen involved my wifes activity days girls doing it to the Bishopric.
Great post.
I tried to find just Love Bomb, but all there was Bora Bora 2000 together with Love Bomb. (But Bora Bora 2000 is pretty cool, too.) So, without further adieu, here is (Bora Bora 2000 and) Love Bomb by The Tubes:
I think a lot of problems can arise when callings change hands, and transfer is not done as well as could be. There seems to be nowhere on the computer system where a request for no contact can be registered (unless that has changed very recently). I know when I served as VT coordinator I was very careful to transfer all the notes for those who didn’t want contact onto my uptodate copy of the list of sisters, and to pass that on to my successor. But it is hardly a foolproof system.
I agree Hedgehog, it is hardly a foolproof system. So although Brian is happy with the way his ward has handled his retirement, he has to know that sooner or later that will change. A new bishop or a new EQ president or a new set of missionaries will be called and not know about his request; or just as likely they will know about it but decide that he just must contact him anyway in order to magnify his calling.
When I was RS secretary, we had something like fifteen “do not contacts” on our list. It was in the computer, and was printed off – usually as dnc. What sucked was when someone accidentally got one of these women on their visiting teaching roster.