By Alliegator
John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory breaks down the components for creating and maintaining a successful (or “Master”) relationship. The foundation of the house is Building Love Maps: “road maps of [your] partner’s inner psychological world.” Love maps are formed by asking open ended questions and talking (and listening!).
The attic of the house is a room called Creating Shared Meaning. This is the room where things like religious beliefs generally fall.
Now, we’re generally not trying build a successful marriage with the person we’re discussing politics, feminism, or church angst with (although sometimes we are), but we can still learn about successful human interactions using this model.
Curb Your Enthusiasm Defensiveness
A common response to any “heavy questions” or non-correlated ideas is defensiveness. When I hear comments that feel like an attack on something I love, I have to curb the urge to get defensive. Joseph Smith took God up on his word and “asked in faith,” yet today when we sincerely ask something we may be struggling with, we’re often met with a metaphorical Nazar, and whisperings that sound something like “apostate” or “heretic.”
At last year’s Counterpoint conference, Elouise Bell quoted Ghandi, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” We can’t change anyone. We can’t make anyone NOT be defensive. We can only change ourselves. Sometimes changing ourselves involves how we approach a problem.
Religion is Fundamental for Mormons
Religious beliefs typically fall within the attic “Creating Shared Meaning” segment of the Sound Relationship House, but the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is intertwined with how members view themselves and their lives. Religion, in this case, crosses somewhat into the foundation.
If I question, I’m not just questioning a little relic tucked away in someone’s attic, I’m questioning his or her very foundation.
From this perspective, I think we can begin to understand the defensiveness and take action against it. Again, we can’t change anyone else, but we can change ourselves, which might help how other people perceive us.
Time to Put On Your Big-People Pants
This all isn’t to say that defensiveness is an appropriate response, and that those who become defensive have no responsibility toward us in creating healthier interactions. They do. However, someone has to bite the bullet–and be the bigger person (having to be the bigger person is lousy, I know) if we’re going to get our message across in a way that encourages listening instead of defensiveness.
We can help other people feel less defensive by building love maps (or at least mutual appreciation maps), and creating shared meaning. We do this by looking for common ground, building a positive relationship, getting to know each other, and finding the things we like about each other, instead of focusing on the areas where we disagree.
Relationships are the Key
I read once that in a parenting relationship, we should aim for 80/20 with positive to negative interactions. If we put a kid in time out, we should do as Jesus did, and show an increase in love as well. The same thing applies to other relationships. If we want it to be a good one, where we listen and try to understand each other, there has to be more than a one-sided lecture on “what you should believe” (and that goes both ways). Once we have a relationship with a person, they’re much more likely to listen to our perspective instead of viewing that perspective as an attack on all that they hold dear.
What do you think? Have you found ways to encourage people to really ponder on your ideas? Have you made a friend with someone you initially clashed with?
Wheat & Tares 
I’ve learned a long time ago to never go on my first impressions of people since I’m wrong 99.9% of the time.
So generally, if I think you’re a jerk I’ll take the time to really know you.
First, great post and great points.
Lately, I’ve been trying to give initially antagonistic seeming people the benefit of doubt. I try to further explain my feelings and/or ask themto explain theirs further. I try to keep my tone polite even when when it’s difficult. But there’s a point when I can tell the other person doesn’t care about me or my feelings or wants to help me. When people start saying (or acting like) my opinions are invalid or name-call, I disengage completely. Nothing productive is going to come from that conversation.
I’ve found that some people don’t really want a relationship, they just want to argue. I’m willing to debate with people who I know are interested in a friendship- not so much with people who just want to argue.
Alliegator, great post. I think we all know it’s better to not be defensive, but in the “heat of the battle”, it’s hard to remember.
As for people who “don’t want a relationship” – that’s fine if they don’t, and in many cases people can still be cordial, but it’s also one of my biggest problems with many forums, including Mormon Stories, and anything on JD’s Facebook wall. There are some great folks there, but there are also many who *seem* to just want to battle it out or air their grievances – which is fine – but it is largely useless for me if it’s not done in the context of relationship. I have participated in my local Mormon Stories group, and one thing I appreciate about it is we can build the relationships that facilitate less defensiveness and (I think) better conversations and growth.
A statement I have heard that I often repeat is: “The person with the most awareness in a situation has the most responsibility for the outcome.” I very much believe that. It doesn’t matter who’s right (being right is actually a problem in a relationship). Good post! Glad to have you back.
Defensiveness occurs when our belief, idea or point of view is challenged and found wanting. Maybe we’re startled to learn we’re uncertain what we actually think or believe. Maybe what we think or believe is too weak to withstand the challenge. But little takes place besides friendly conversation in a forum like this without having our views challenged or added to so it’s the price we pay for learning and it’s healthy in the long run, fortunately our skin thickens with experience. Some of the women’s blogs seem to appreciate supportive give and take conversation more than content and some of the men’s blogs tend to be more win or lose, of course not all issues can be compromised in a meaningful way.
For me, it’s really easy to not care as much about developing a relationship with someone I have major disagreements with, however, like Howard pointed out, you never get your ideas tested if you surround yourself with people who agree with you all the time.
My BIL and I used to argue/debate quite a bit, and it made if very difficult for me to appreciate anything about him. I realized that this was not a person I could just avoid, so I worked on finding things we had in common- which was gardening. We now talk about our gardens enough that the debating doesn’t feel like arguing anymore, even though I still disagree with him on pretty much all social/political issues. 🙂
Wheat & Tears hashed out differences a couple of weeks ago and I notice defensiveness seems to be down quite a bit so maybe a maintenance catharsis now and again helps too.
S/b Wheat & Tares
My problem with defensiveness is that it obscures the conversation, sometimes to the extreme. I get incredibly frustrated when I’m trying to have a conversation where I can understand something and I am met with defensiveness because it just seems somewhat pointless.
Though there are people who just enjoy challenging others and making them defensive.
Finding common ground to build on is a good way to help reduce defensiveness, but my experience is some people are in too much pain internally that no matter how you approach things or talk about things carefully, they can’t process it. Trust is the underlying factor on whether they can lower defenses or not. So it often takes time to build the trust through talking about things at the right time, with the right dosage of how much and what to talk about, and the right tact of saying it carefully.