One of my favorite ex-callings was Visiting Teaching Leader. I know it sounds like a made up calling, but it was a real thing! What I loved about it was that I got to be the boss of what counted as Visiting Teaching, and I was pretty liberal! I also found it easier to just pick up the slack for the slackers sometimes, and as a result I got to know a lot of people.
I noticed that there are three types of home / visiting teachers in the church (hmmm, maybe these are the same categories of people for all aspects of church):
- Total Slackers. These people figure it’s all voluntary, so anything they do is better than nothing. Actions taken might vary from deliberately avoiding any meaningful contact to making half-hearted offers of help you have no intention of following through on and/or you know they would never accept. It’s all about the motives: keeping it easy for you and keeping all contact superficial. Your VT/HTer might be a slacker if . . . you don’t know who it is.
- Spirit of the Law. These people focus on making a personal connection with their assigned people, something that is unique to the situation and their own circumstances. They genuinely want to befriend and help others and make lasting connections. They are good listeners to both what is said and what is unstated. Your HT/VTer might be a Spirit of the Law person if you consider them a real friend.
- Hard Core. These folks are all business. They have a lot of parameters and rules about visits. Visits must be made by both partners, open and close with a prayer, share the lesson. Some of these people get very serious about making sure children are quiet and not interrupting. They are concerned that it needs to be just perfect in order to “count.” You can sense their tension and irritation when your flexible, unique needs leak into their structured world. Your VT/HTer might be Hard Core if they leave you feeling like you’re the visitor in your own home.
In the latest Ensign, there is an article about Home Teaching. While it’s not great news for Total Slackers, the Hard Core folks seem to be the real target audience. Spirit of the Law, FTW! Here are some of the points made about Home Teaching that Hard Core folks should take note of in their little notepads:
- Where & when to visit. Meet in the person’s home when possible. If that’s not feasible, you might consider meeting near the person’s workplace, taking a walk together, or gathering before or after Sunday meetings. This list doesn’t start and end with one prescription. It seems to me like the beginnings of a brainstorming list focused on thoughtfulness and flexibility. Personal Pet Peeve: I’m a busy person, and some months I am totally cool with an email, phone call, or chance meeting in the grocery store (or dare I say, being skipped). That’s just the kind of gal I am. It’s buggy when the VTer feels that you are an impediment to her getting the imaginary glory associated with a perfect VT record.
- How to visit. The article starts with an example of Pres. Beck (although mysteriously she is only referred to as Sister Beck – has she been demoted?) being asked by a sister who was doing her fricken laundry if she could count it as a visit since she didn’t share the lesson. To which I say, “Where do I get a Visiting Teacher who does laundry??” Rank hath its privileges. The article goes on to cover ways to visit, again with a brainstorming list: Teach and inspire each other (yes, that’s right, a two way discussion, not an impromptu lecture or one person reading from a magazine) – perhaps (note the “perhaps“) by starting with the First Presidency or Visiting Teaching Message. Share your testimony. Share what’s going on in your lives. Develop love by being friendly and caring. Listen sincerely. Keep the confidences others entrust to you. Continue to be a friend, as time often leads to greater trust. Personal Pet Peeve: I totally hate when we’re having a nice chat and one of the two VTers feels she has to pull the conversation to a screeching halt in a way that seems both rude and forced to insert the lesson so she can get credit for the visit. The message received is, “Quit yer yackin’ so I can get back to the business at hand: teaching, not visiting.” Then she gives some threadbare quotes with mundane observations, so she can feel totally good about checking that box.
- Incorporating prayer. It might (note the “might”) be appropriate to ask at the end of your visit, “Can we pray with you?” Personal Pet Peeve: Ward leaders who have made the rule that it doesn’t count if there isn’t a prayer. Also, people who insist on prayer & lesson with teachees who are a hair’s breadth away from the “Do Not Contact” list. Let’s not whack the hornet’s nest, people!
- Minister and ask helpful questions. Observe and anticipate needs. Questions will often bring better results than simply saying: “Call us if you need anything.” (or leaving a post-it note on a plate of cookies that says that, then sneaking away unnoticed). Personal Pet Peeve: Don’t offer help if you don’t mean it.
- Coordination. You might even need to take turns visiting, providing service, and reporting the well-being of those you teach. Personal Pet Peeve: Partners who refuse to be reasonable about needing to visit separately when schedules don’t allow a joint visit.
All right, readers, time for a few polls.
[poll id=”19″]
[poll id=”20″]
[poll id=”21″]
What are your worst VT/HT experiences either as a teacher, partner or victim, er visitee? What is the weaseliest thing you’ve ever counted as a visit? Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
I don’t have a home teacher. I was told by the bishop, “You don’t need a Home Teacher. You’re not going to go inactive.”
You left out the “Just getting my ticket punched” Home Teacher. They come once a month regularly, but don’t really seem to care. They just what to “do their duty”.
In my ward visiting teachers may report any contacts (by mail, phone etc.), but for home teachers only visits are counted.
Definitely need to add an option for “No Home teacher assigned”…
I wish our family could get that. We’ve only had one HT who totally rocked it — the rest have been more trouble than it’s worth. We almost felt guilty having the awesome HT b/c he would have been much better served loving on a family that hates the church [but we selfishly kept him].
On your third poll question, I think that, “Visit with lesson and prayer” is the only thing that should count as a legitimate visit — while all of the other things strike me as legitimate things a HT/VT could do for the family.
The monthly visits are supposed to be the way you get to know the family well enough to be able to what “service” they need, when they need phone calls, birthday cards, meals brought over, etc. Those latter things are what the monthly visits are supposed to help HT/VTs be able to do more effectively.
You know it’s strange to me which things I consider really important and which ones I don’t. For example, I don’t exactly have, er…the strictest interpretation of keeping the sabbath day holy. But HT is something I think is important and I strive to complete. I’m definitely not hard core but I do try to do it and I try to help my families.
One of the people I currently home teach has gone through something very similar to me. It took me several months to figure this out and we have now become friends. We sometimes meet and discuss outside of the HT visit and it’s very enlightening.
I really believe in the HT/VT program. I think it is one of the more innovative and worthwhile things we have in Mormonism.
Our family has had some great home teachers over the years, but in the ten years since we moved into our current ward, it’s been anything but great. I don’t know if all the men here are sexist, or just the ones assigned as our HT, but my husband finally asked them to stop coming about a year ago because they were so offensive–wouldn’t talk to me directly, only made appointments with my husband, and said some really awful things, not to mention that one of them wore heavy cologne which caused me to have an asthmatic reaction, and even as I started to wheeze he just kept on talking (albeit faster).
On the other hand, I have the most awesome VT. Last month I forgot about our appointment, but met her in the grocery store later that day. We stood there and talked for 20 minutes–best VT visit ever.
I think home teaching/visiting teaching, if done well, can be a great blessing to people. If done poorly, it can be a great imposition. I blogged on the subject a few months ago here: http://postsofmyhouse.blogspot.com/2011/01/thoughts-on-home-teachers.html
I work full-time and go to law school, so my free time is extremely limited. The best home teacher I had respected that and didn’t impose on my time. It always annoyed me when HT or VT wanted to take an hour of my time every month. I don’t have an hour. I have 10 minutes, and the best way I can be served is by not taking more than those 10 minutes.
It bugs me to no end when HT/VT bring their kids along. My apartment isn’t child proof and my cat doesn’t like being terrorized. Plus, there are some subjects that I may wish to discuss with a HT/VT that I won’t discuss with children present.
I moved into a new ward a few months ago and I haven’t been assigned HT/VT yet, so I don’t know how it’s going to play out here. It’s a small ward with a lot of people with a lot of need. I’m fine with not having any HT/VT because other people need that help more than I do and we’re stretched pretty thin.
One main reason we rarely get taught by our HT is b/c we don’t receive teaching appointments on Sunday.
So if you are looking to get rid of bad HT — I’d suggest you implement that as a family rule.
Traditionally “counting” visits has been easier for VT than HT.
Best home teacher I knew: I was EQP and had assigned him 10 families (big ward, few HTers), and told him we could agree who he ought to try to see more often or less often. He said, “No problem. I’ll try to see each one about 10 times a year.” And he did. He knew them all, knew about their concerns and needs (and met most of them on his own).
We’ve been exceptionally fortunate to have HTers that have become good friends over the years.
I agree with jmb that this program is one of the best in the church. I also keep thinking these 3 categories apply to every aspect of church to a great extent, although we might be a mix of them depending on the aspect.
The really cool thing about home/visiting teaching is that it tells me all the people in the ward I do NOT have to visit or be concerned with.
I don’t mind the HT/VT programs, but there is one thing I do have an issue with… and that is privacy.
If HT/VT are about getting to know people and becoming their friends (as some have alluded to), then does anyone else have an issue with things from those private conversations being, essentially, shared for all to hear in Ward Councils, PEC, etc.? Having sat in on a few of those meetings, I have seen far too much shared to remain comfortable about what is/isn’t supposed to be a private conversation.
The whole “bringing the Church ™ into your home” thing, wherein the Church ™ is defined as the institution, rubs me the wrong way…
Keri posted a link above which shared some of her experiences and I think I agree with her. Many HT/VT I’ve seen aren’t coming in my home to make friends, but rather to both (a) report on me and (b) check off a list. Even if if it’s a good HT/VT, I wonder what the “report on me” importance is.
As High Priest Group Leader, it’s frustrating to know that the stake only counts visit in the home with lesson and prayer. Half of the people who will allow that to happen in their home could do without a home teacher except in emergencies. On the other hand, I really do believe that the statistics are more for the stake presidency’s sake (and for the return and report aspect) and that the Lord pays more attention to the efforts of these great brethren that can’t be counted in the stats. We have a lot more 100% hometeachers than our stats show. I’ve been in wards where there was near 100% home teaching but the Lord probably only counted half of it, cuz a lot of it was done in obedience to statistics rather than out of love for God and neighbor. So I’m grateful for the ward I’m in.
That said, I think there’s a good reason the stake only counts the people who had a lesson and prayer in the home: It’s important for home teachers to have a destination in mind. If we counted the chance meetings and emails, then the slackers will have won! Think of the lack of shepherding, the lack of love, the shallowness of friendship if we actually lowered the standard for home teaching.
Also, if a meaningful chance visit occurred or an act of service was performed, I do tend to count those, and I don’t feel guilty about it at all. What’s important to me is whether the person being home taught felt loved and feels they have someone who represents the church whom they can turn to for anything. (Even if that “anything” is, “Please be sure to tell everyone at church that I don’t want anyone but you contacting me about anything at all.”
#12 Nate– Good point on the privacy concern. In the OP, it mentions that we’re supposed to keep confidences, but OTOH I’ve been told that HT function as the bishop/EQP eyes and ears. Where’s the balance?
FWIW, I’d draw the line at “what the family being visited wants to have shared.”
“does anyone else have an issue with things from those private conversations being, essentially, shared for all to hear in Ward Councils, PEC, etc.?”
Yes, this is a potential problem. I think one reason people go to the bishop for EVERYTHING, including things others can handle, is largely for the fact that there’s an expectation of confidence with the bishop.
I don’t know how you get hometeachers to understand confidentiality better, or for members to trust them with more intimate details of their lives. I know I forward highly personal things directly to the bishop, and judging by the “we’ll discuss that privately” comments that comes from other members of the Ward Council to the bishop, it appears most of the other members do the same.
This comment makes me think about updating what I tell the high priests. I tell them that representing the bishop means not only passing sensitive information along to him, but expecting to be the one who will carry out most of the duties associated with the sensitive situation. If it involves welfare needs or more serious sins (perpetrator or victim), the bishop must be involved, but otherwise, be inclined to act first and keep the bishop informed about what they’re doing — he’ll know whether to step in.
I suppose people will share confidential information with a home teacher if they view him as a friend. But people will share things with a bishop they wouldn’t share with a friend, either. I wonder if we could do more to help home teachers view themselves as representatives of the bishop in deeper terms than we now do.
Personal Pet Peeve: Don’t offer help if you don’t mean it.
/sigh. So true.
The best home teacher we ever had came regularly–every December just before Christmas.
My VTers go with me to the temple, and I love it. I get 2 more family names done than I would have on my own. We get to visit in the car there and back, and talk in CR. It’s really a huge act of service on their part.
I have always been the partner who makes it happen but it is only b/c I work about 30 hours a week, and if I don’t have it scheduled it won’t happen. If my partner can’t go with me, all the better. I prefer to go 1:1–much better conversations about real life concerns, get to really know each other, feel safer to share real thoughts/feelings.
Relationships between home teachers and families can be very different. In my last ward, I home taught a young family (21-year old parents with infant.) I tried to be as friendly as I could–they always welcomed me, but there seemed to be a bit of a generational gap. Visits always felt a bit forced.
I currently have 2 families. One family I get along with splendidly. We babysit each others kids for a date night, have gone rock climbing, and honestly they are probably my best friends in the ward. My family was in a car accident recently and I knew the wife was compassionate service leader. I called her first and she was awesome!!! When asked about my home teaching, I related that I hadn’t actually visited that month, but their family provided tremendous service following the accident. My HT supervisor counted it.
The other guy I home teach has serious mental illness. I’ve gotten used to him, but sometimes he says some really wacky and violent things. (Apparently, he had some traumatic experiences around Christmas, so that time of year seems to bring out the really odd behavior.) I usually try to change the subject when he gets a bit weird. He and his mom have had some medical problems, and I have helped out with rides and the compassionate service leader has helped provide meals. Once in a while I give a lesson, but mostly just check on him to make sure he’s ok. I can say I would count his as a friend, but not someone I would choose to hang out with.
I didn’t think I had a home teacher because I haven’t seen him in months. He did admit to being a slacker this past week, but offered some kind service for my injured wife, so that’s nice. Honestly, I don’t have much in common with the guy, and most months I’m glad that he doesn’t seem to bother us. I’d rate him as a hard core slacker. He always tries to teach a lesson to the kids when he comes infrequently.
Home teaching can be a real mixed bag.
Have any of you ever had a HT or VT continue to visit with you, serve you, and continue friendship after being no longer assigned to you and your family?
I have maintained friendships with families after I was released. But generally these don’t last long because people move, or ward boundaries change.
I think HT/VT needs to be totally revamped. The principle of it is clearly needed and important. However, the obligatory official visits isn’t what is really about. We one time had a Stake President who initiated a practical program in his stake where he, by his own admission, categorized people as to their specific needs and level of activity. Extremely active, healthy, family supported people only got quarterly visits with monthly phone calls. Totally inactive people or those not wanting visits, where assigned to their next door neighbor. Husband/wife teams were assigned to a few families who would receive them better in that fashion. Others were assigned as traditional Mel. PH./Aaronic PH companionships. It worked wonderfully!! But when I have brought this up in my current ward and stake environment, I’m looked at with total disbelief or as if my former Stake President was an apostate or something. I though he was just being practical and realistic to allow HT/VT to accomplish what it’s real purpose is. To make sure people have contact with the church so that we can see if they are in need of anything and to be able to report back to the Bishop and Ward Council on those items.
Ron – the only time I can think of where this happened was a woman who was ex-Mo but still on records told my mom she didn’t want VT, but she was always willing to make more friends, so if my mom wanted to be her friend, then she could visit. My mom went over as a friend, and I became best friends with her daughter, and we still are friends to this day, although we live on opposite sides of the world and have very little in common. I think maybe you have to get rid of the artificial construct of VT to make real friendships that last.