Is it okay to lie to your kids?
Does honesty always trump all other considerations?
What situations make lying for the Lord your family okay?
On Monday evening my young son (usually a great sleeper) had a difficult time staying in bed. On top of feeling lonely after his aunt went home earlier in the day, he said he was worried about earthquakes.
He didn’t know about the quake in New Zealand, but the subject came up a week ago when we took down a picture hanging above his sister’s crib. He asked why, and we explained that in case of earthquakes, it’s probably a good idea not to have stuff hanging above your bed… at least that’s what I read in Popular Mechanics or something…
He asked more about how earthquakes happen, and came away with an understanding that “the plates of the earth push together” and would make his room shake. To that he said, “Well, we need to keep those plates apart.”
Back to last night, with the fear mattering a lot more than any amount of reason could resolve (son, it’s not likely that we’ll have an earthquake, etc. etc.). I was about to give up when I looked up at my wife and said, “Maybe Mom can go get you an earthquake protector!” Mom ran downstairs, looked through the garage for something son had never seen before, and found a Push-on Light (without batteries, of course). She brought it back up and we told him it was an earthquake protector. He pushed the button a few times, and set it by his bed.
Granted, we didn’t tell him he had to push it, nor push it every 108 minutes.
“Mom, I like you, but, even with the earthquake protector I still feel a little bit lonely.”
We all sat together for a minute or two and then he agreed to go to sleep, and did not get up again.
I lied to my son.
With Santa Claus, at least I have never said, “hey Santa is real and you need to believe.” It’s always been, “YAY! SANTA!” but that’s about it. This time it was a lie in order to help him feel safe.
Is that okay? What do I do now?
UPDATE – He woke up the next day and said, “The earthquake protector helped a LOT!!!”
Wheat & Tares 
Some people in a post on BCC asked if it was okay to conceal an affair from your spouse/in effect, lying to your spouse to prevent a greater malady such as the breakup of the family. Now this issue. Is it ever okay to lie to your kids? Tough one.
Yeah, I’ve heard some psychologists recommend that (lying to one’s spouse in situations where there was a brief affair/one night stand)… almost like the partner who had the affair should pay the price of holding it in for the rest of the marriage, and not be “selfish” by dumping it on the spouse. I’ve also heard plenty say the opposite. Most though, suggest that there are better times than others for disclosing stuff like this.
I wouldn’t say yes or no to that question as a blanket answer for everyone, but I’ve made it a point to never, ever lie to my children for any reason.
I think it is vital that I teach them all I can to discover truth from error, to discern between what is real and what is not. And if I don’t do it, the only thing that will is hard life.
Seems like you’ll have that much more difficulty in the future teaching your kids that “honesty is the best policy.” There will always be compelling reasons for them to lie; do you want to teach them that sometimes (i.e., when they judge it to be so) it’s okay to lie to you? Will your kids/teenagers know how to choose “appropriate” lies? And if you agree that there are such things as appropriate lies, surely you must teach your kids that skill and principle—only, I can’t get past the irony of that life lesson: “Lying 101: Trust Me On this One.”
SR – We’ve done this to death lately, but does that mean no Santa?
BrianJ – I don’t like the idea of “appropriate lies” but at the same time, many if not most of us lie all the time. E.g. wife says to husband, “how do you feel” and husband says “fine” when he really feels all kinds of stuff but just doesn’t feel like talking. Not just that specific example, but stuff like that is constant in many relationships. Also, open and honest communication about feelings (i.e. telling the truth) is not necessarily a good thing in marriage. Unhappy couples are a LOT more honest and straightforward with what they think and feel about the other person. Happier couples don’t share a lot of that more negative stuff, even if they feel it (i.e. they lie, at least by omission.)
We can do a lot to reduce children lying though. For one, don’t reward lying and discourage lying by punishing them when they tell the truth. You must give them immunity if they confess.
Hmm…
Knowing when to discuss truth is as important as telling it. (I’m thinking about when a husband confesses his affair or a mother her alcohol problem…) So is the gap between the not-right time and the right time lying?
Indulging in childhood fantasy (eg Santa) is not the same as lying in my view. I did not explain to my six year old that Aslan was a fictional character, or that Jack and Annie are not real. My failure to reveal that those characters are fictional was not lying, I don’t think. In time my six year old grew older and understood the fictional nature of characters in fiction. In time my children each grew into a different understanding of the Santa myth.
To your specific question of the earthquake protector…pretty creative answer, but I can see where that one is likely to be an issue. what happens when son learns there is no such thing? Will he accept that you were trying to help him sleep (an act of love) or will he believe you snookered him (an act of betrayal)? That question probably doesn’t make you feel better.
When we lived in Taiwan, our OCD 10-year old was fixated for months about the guns of China aimed at Taiwan and what that could mean. Going to sleep at night was very difficult. We were able (because of his age) to call it what is was: junk mail from his OCD that wouldn’t let him move on. In that case we combined forces against the OCD, not the guns of China.
Paul – Thanks for the comment. The only thing so far that has made me feel better (because I think this is all really more about me than him) is thinking back if my parents had done something like this… what would I think now? I think it would be cute. It wouldn’t bother me at all. That doesn’t really change how I worry as a parent though…
I tend to be a very honest person. I wouldn’t lie like this. A parent’s example seems to be the biggest indicator on whether a kid turns out honest.
Does your son often have fears like this? Were you actually feeding his fears by spending so much time and energy talking about them and getting stressed out yourself?
I worry a little about parenting these days. (I find myself sucked into this style of parenting these days too). Why do we have to talk our children into everything? Why can’t we just tell them what to do and they trust us? Is it because we don’t trust ourselves?
Why does a small child have to “agree to go to sleep” before you can leave him?
Perhaps if you have a little more confidence that earthquakes are nothing to worry about and a little more confidence in your son that he can master his fears then that confidence will show and your child will be able to feel secure in YOUR confidence.
I don’t mean to be too critical. I realize there are some pros to today’s touchy feely parenting. But I see some definite drawbacks and I’m happy to have four kids and, therefore, cannot coddle/helicopter as much as I would otherwise.
Adam F
I’d got a 30 ton compactor and shook the earth behind the house that night just to enhance the fear. 😉
I went to a business seminar several years ago and we discussed business ethics. The person presenting the lecture was an ethics professor from the U. He discussed business ethics verus gaming ethics. It was an interesting conversation. Misleading costumers, un-acceptable; misleading competitors about your business plan or withholding information from them, perfectly ethical. Misleading your wife or bishop when confronted about a misdeed, un-acceptable; misleading your opponent in a church basketball game, perfectly ethical; or, misleading the media or an enemy during a time of war to protect lives, perfectly ethical. I would say it falls in the last ethical category.
Oh, and anything you need to say to your wife to get lucky; perfectly ethical
jks –
Heh, I’m NOT “touchy feely” whatever that means (unless by touchy-feely you mean I don’t dismiss or discount or punish emotion). Perhaps I didn’t explain it well enough. He had to “agree” to go to bed because he kept coming out of his room. I’m open to suggestions though. In your non-touch feely parenting style, would you punish him for being afraid and coming out of the room? Or would you take a laissez-faire stance and just let him stay up?
Two more questions – “I tend to be a very honest person. I wouldn’t lie like this.”
That’s terrific – so you don’t do Santa either? Just curious. Also, you always tell your kids or your spouse what you’re thinking and feeling?
“Does your son often have fears like this?”
No, not really. He’s pretty secure.
“Were you actually feeding his fears by spending so much time and energy talking about them and getting stressed out yourself?”
If you believe that talking about fears makes them worse, then we just disagree. Avoiding fears is what makes them worse. Talking about fears without any problem solving or facilitating of emotion regulation and etc. can make them worse. Punishing kids for being afraid will definitely mess them up as well.
HAHA you really got me going jks. 🙂
“Why do we have to talk our children into everything?”
In this situation, what would you do?
I taught an EQ lesson once on honesty. I gave an example of someone I knew who was outright cheated out of around $3000 on a bill for some work done. The person who cheated told my acquaintance that it would cost about $3000 in fees to take him to small claims court, so he could either accept this as payment in full, or take him to court and still get around the same amount. The cheating person has been a bishop, stake president, etc.
The most interesting part was the response of the class. At least half the quorum said that was fine, that business was different than life, that everyone cheated each other in business, and that if you didn’t, you would be out of business. I really didn’t have much else to add to the lesson at that point, so pretty much just finished early.
I don’t think there is a difference between business and life. We could just all incorporate ourselves and call everything a business decision. 😉
I suppose another alternative is to say to the child, “Look, you’re going to have to trust me on this — it will be ok.” And perhaps cite another example of when it’s been ok when you said it would.
In the end, your son accepted the earthquake button because he trusts you (or your wife).
All that said, I remember how hard it was to get our first son to go to bed. By the time we had more, we had learned to set bedtimes, follow routines, and let them know this is just what we did in our house. But that first one was almost impossible.
“Lying by omission” is not lying. In my experience, people who equate the two are usually trying to control and guilt trip me.
In some cases omitting information is used to deceive or mislead others. So why not just call it that? A key ingredient of lying is giving false info.
Failing to share negative thoughts is usually the right thing to do. It’s usually done out of wisdom and love-not intent to deceive for selfish purposes. So why call it lying?
“So why call it lying?”
Just to be honest. 😉
““Lying by omission” is not lying.”
I’m not sure that’s 100% true. You may have a point – perhaps there are times when staying silent on something is not necessarily “lying” (although it’s at the very best NOT open and honest, not that that’s all bad per se). I’m sure we could think of situations where intentionally leaving something out in communicating with another person IS dishonest though.
Sometimes it comes down to competing values where both are right. For example, if you were in hiding jews in your home Europe in 1944 when the SS came to your door, you could like about it and save lives (including your own), or tell the truth and all be killed. At that point you have to ask yourself which you value more, the truth or innocent human life. For me the answer is clear.
In other situations it isn’t always so clear, but the same principle applies. In times like these each of us has to decide our own heirarchy of values and act accordingly.
In this case, at least in the moment making your son feel safer trumped honesty. Only you can say that was right or wrong for you. In some circumstances lying to make people feel better might be OK. In other times, it’s probably not. As long as you help your kid thoughtfully understand the difference, I wouldn’t worry about it too much for now.
Having had my share of nightmares as a child, I’m generally of the opinion that those things that help your kid not go to bed terrified are morally acceptable, even if they aren’t the truth. You can get to the placebo effect when he’s older.
#15 — interesting that general conference discussed something very similar to that example — and condemned it.
#21 — lying by omission may not be lying but it is considered a deceptive trade practice and fraudulent — punitive damages material in some states, fyi.
Anyway, an interesting discussion.
#15 Wow. Mike S, I’m sorry that your group felt that way. Business is different than life? How does that even make sense? I spend about 40-45% of my life at work (much higher if I only count waking hours); I’d say it’s a significant part my life.
2 Nephi 2:28 springs to mind: “…lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.”
Sorry — that should be 2 Nephi 28:8…
Pardon the incompleteness of this thought, but it is valuable to recognize the importance of symbolism and metaphor in a child’s understanding of the world. Their cognition and conception is very fluid and quite different from the rigid world view we know as adults. Also, children are prone to magical thinking, which is not something we need to rush to kill. In most cases it fades away with time and cognitive development.
Because of this, I believe it is okay to speak the child’s language, so to speak. Trying to explain to your child that earthquakes happen, people die in them, and there is next to nothing we can do to stop it will only cause them unnecessary distress. But something like a magic button can be a bridge to teaching them about faith if done with discernment.
Don’t ask me what this would look like or even for an example. I’m not a parent and I’m not even a child psychologist. But I do believe there is something to recognizing the differences between how we think and how children think.
tristin – You’re at Naropa? I would love to chat sometime about your experience there. Way cool.
Thanks for the comment as well – I have realized that to my son “earthquakes” probably don’t mean anything close to what they actually are, i.e. in the very least they are in a sort of “fantasy” realm. So maybe the button fits well.
AdamF, 5: Just trying to respond with my thoughts, not argue here:
“many if not most of us lie all the time.”
…and constantly pay the price for doing so. I think the example you use—“wife says to husband, “how do you feel” and husband says “fine” when he really feels all kinds of stuff but just doesn’t feel like talking—is a good illustration. The husband has lied many times in the past about how he feels, so now he can’t very well come out and be honest about it; he’s created the illusion that he’s always “fine,” so any news otherwise will come as a shock. On the other hand, if he had in the past set the precedent of being honest—e.g., “I’m so-so, but it’s not urgent and I’m not in the mood to get into right now”—then he’d feel more at liberty to do so now. (And, let’s face it, his wife probably knows he’s lying when he says he’s fine, so what she really hears is “I’m not going to tell you how I feel.”)
“Also, open and honest communication about feelings (i.e. telling the truth) is not necessarily a good thing in marriage.”
I can’t see why not. Please explain.
“Unhappy couples are a LOT more honest and straightforward with what they think and feel about the other person.”
Is that the cause or the effect of their unhappiness?
“Happier couples don’t share a lot of that more negative stuff, even if they feel it (i.e. they lie, at least by omission.)”
Ehhh, I’m not sure I buy that. Much of the negative stuff a happy couple would share amounts to insignificant annoyances—pet peeves that the annoyed person could just “get over” or ignore. There’s usually little value in voicing those. Even so, I don’t mind when my wife tells me one of her pet peeves; I often respond by doing what I can to avoid whatever it was that bothered her. And why wouldn’t I? She knows I love her enough to do both big and small things to please her. And vice versa. But at the same time, we both realize that another way to show love is to ignore those pet peeves (which in some cases means, “grow up”).
It’s a balance, to be sure, but I’d feel that that balance was absolutely impossible to find if I knew she were constantly lying to me or that I had to lie to her. It’d be like driving on the freeway in the fog—it’s too hard to know how well you’re driving when everything around you is obscured.
I feel secure in knowing that my wife truly does like me (not just love); she’s not putting on a show, all the while gritting her teethe and just loving out of some sense of duty or contract. In other words, I know where I stand with her. If the price I have to pay for that is the occasional awkward moment of “airing grievances,” well that seems a small price to pay. And now that we’re both trusting and accustomed to being honest, it makes those frank moments a lot less uncomfortable than they would be if they only happened rarely.
To clarify – things like emotional accessibility, engagement, responsiveness (all requiring a high degree of “openness” are crucial for a happy relationship. I was referring to research that suggests that unhappy couples communicate more openly on the negative stuff. Happier couples censor a lot more of that stuff, while unhappy couples just let it fly. I can find you the research on this if you like, it’s pretty good stuff. And I agree, the man or woman who constantly says “I’m fine” when they obviously are NOT fine, aren’t going to be in a happy relationship for long.
Re: cause and effect – with human behavior, this is really impossible to tease out. One well-known researcher (John Gottman) found that happier couples had at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative stuff happening DURING conflict, while unhappy couples (most ending eventually in divorce) were about 0.8:1. Positive stuff actually included ANYTHING “neutral,” positive facial expressions, humor, repair attempts, etc. He’s also the one who found that happy couples censor a lot more.
“I feel secure in knowing that my wife truly does like me (not just love); she’s not putting on a show, all the while gritting her teethe and just loving out of some sense of duty or contract. In other words, I know where I stand with her.”
In other words, you have a secure attachment/bond with your wife. You can handle any bumps in the road, and you’re not worried that she might feel differently from what she is actually communicating. That’s great. 🙂 Perhaps the difference here is those pet-peeves or etc. Happy couples really do have more rosey glasses.
It’s too late for this now, but when taking down a picture above a bed, instead of explaining about something potentially scary to a small child, it’s probably better to just say, “we don’t want pictures above beds because they could fall and hurt someone”. Although then I suppose you risk creating a phobia of pictures on the wall.
Really small kids are just too young to reason with, so while I generally think you shouldn’t lie to your kids (not giving the entire truth about santa is a different matter- kids should have some magic in their childhood), I think it your case here, there wasn’t much else you could do. Your son needed comforting and you provided it.
WIth our oldest, we were told “monster spray” was the way to go to deal with monsters. I never liked the idea, though he hasn’t been damaged by it. With the rest of our kids, we just teach them that monsters are not real, and pretend things have to do whatever they tell them, so if they are pretending there are monsters, they can also tell them it’s time to go home and go to bed. Doesn’t work for earthquakes so well though…
Good idea – I should not have brought it up in the first place. It’s hard to tell sometimes what will do the trick – he’s not afraid of alligators and crocodiles and snakes, etc. But “noisy cars” and “earthquakes” are more troublesome.
“kids should have some magic in their childhood”
Just not magic buttons? 😉
Re: monster spray – In a way, just teaching them that monsters are not real is kind of invalidating to their experience – they learn not to trust themselves. On the other extreme, I think you have the “touchy-feely” types (jks hasn’t come back to explain this I guess) that accept all displays of fear and emotion without any guidance in dealing with it, or problem solving.
We actually started out telling them that monsters were not real, but that didn’t help them not be afraid, because to them monsters WERE real.
That’s when we switched tactics to: monsters are pretend, and you get to control your own pretend things. I added a bit about telling their monsters that their mommies told them to come home, because I think monsters who have to listen to their mommies are less scary. 🙂
Exactly – just telling them “monsters aren’t real” or me telling my son “earthquakes aren’t likely to happen” is TOO far of a jump for young kids. You have to meet them where they are and try to move them a little.
In that light, is an “earthquake protector” really any different than a security blanket or a night light, or a stuffed turtle?
“You have to meet them where they are and try to move them a little.”
Nicely said.
Sorry for the delayed response. I missed the question. But yes, Adam (#5). There is no Santa in our family as a real-life man who crawls down chimneys and puts presents under the tree.
I teach them about the real St. Nicholas, and that Santa is a personification of giving. I tell them we each have a responsibility to be Santa for others. And that he’s a fun story to pretend about near Christmas. I also tell them that some parents like to pretend that Santa is real for their children, so it is important not to burst their bubble.
Essentially the same things we all come to know eventually.
And I do try to share what I think and feel with my children and theoretical spouse, so long as it is of significance. I don’t see a need for diarrhea of the mouth.
But I will admit that being honest to my now-ex about how I fell in love with him, for one example among many, caused problems in my marriage. I believe that it wouldn’t have caused problems had there been two-way trust and forgiveness.
And I also believe that lying is sanctioned by God when superceded by a higher law (such as in #22). But you’d better be darn sure that the Spirit and principles of God are leading you to it, and not merely your own discomfort.
Superseded.
So I can’t spell today.
And I might add that we still have plenty of magic around Christmastime, it is just magic we make ourselves.
SR – thanks for coming back.
“not merely your own discomfort” – That is huge I think. I agree. Interestingly, in this situation (the OP) I was MUCH more uncomfortable after the fact. Sitting with him in his fear doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I was more concerned that he goes to sleep without a hitch 99.99% of the time (he’s a great sleeper), and as was addressed by other commenters, reasoning does not work, and I didn’t want to punish him for being afraid, nor just let him decide to do whatever he wanted… I am curious though, do you have any suggestions?
Have you tried empathizing? I like some things in the Love and Logic series, and that is one of the steps they use. If you say something like, “I know, I worry about earthquakes too sometimes,” or “I worried about earthquakes when I was little,” and then go on to share how you dealt with and got over those feelings, it helps kids know that they aren’t wrong for feeling that way, and that you are on their side.
Another thing along with empathizing is to have them solve their own problem. Lay out for him why you are concerned about his not staying in bed, that as his parent you care about him and want him to sleep so he can be rested in the morning, but that you understand his feelings. Then you can ask him what he thinks would help him relax and sleep.
I do that sort of thing with my four year old (like with eating veggies), and it amazes me what she comes up with sometimes. Now, she often even asks to eat more vegetables, “so [she] can be big and strong and have a healthy body,” as she puts it. I don’t know as it would always work, but this process is definitely a useful tool in the parent tool belt.
Re: empathy – yes, for sure. To relax and sleep he wanted to come downstairs and watch a few movies first… not a solution we approved of. 🙂
adamf: I’d love the references. Partly because I’m skeptical of the conclusions, but mostly because I worry that you and I are defining terms differently and thus talking past each other to some degree.
I don’t want to get into it too much more here though, since it’s kind of a tangent to the original question, which was focused on lying to one’s kids (not one’s spouse).
Np. Let me sort through my PDFs. Most of the time online people are defining things differently so, yeah. 🙂
Still looking for the bit on self-censoring (it’s Gottman’s stuff) but I did find this (from Gottman’s “The Marriage Clinic” – which is on marital therapy, based on his 30+ years of research), on the myth that unhappy couples don’t communicate clearly enough:
“In ailing marriages people generally communicate very clearly, but what they communicate is mostly negative… in distressed marriages the communication is often quite clear–and quite hostile. So improved clarity does little to help distressed couples.”
In other words, unhappy couples just let it fly – whether in the name of integrity, openness, or just a lack of self-restraint, they say whatever is on their mind. I have read him saying that happy couples self-censor a lot of this negative stuff – I will keep looking for that.
Thanks adamf.
Adamf – just exploring the archives and I’m quite fond of this particular story.
Granted, I’m a lawyer, so my relationship with words/meanings/truth is suspect – but if I were representing you at the trial, I would argue that the earthquake button was as effective an anxiolytic as was ever prescribed. What you gave him was a panic button. He happened to be panicking about earthquakes but the subject was probably just something for his anxiety to latch on to right at that moment, and it worked. It was a completely functional fear of earthquakes protector button. Maybe at a future point that nuance could be explained to him. 🙂